


Broken Thoughts From A Broken Mind

by Enderon



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Introspection, others are in but just mentioned, so they aren't tagged
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-21 02:28:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11934414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enderon/pseuds/Enderon
Summary: Upon his return to Vox Machina, Vex'ahlia thinks a lot and notices a lot about the resident gnome bard, and not all of it makes her happy.





	Broken Thoughts From A Broken Mind

As soon as he stepped foot into the room, something about this  _ Aes Adon _ was bothering Vex'ahlia. Be it the way he carried himself, or the way he spoke, something about him was causing an itch in the back of her brain that just couldn't let her be put at ease. It was not so much a thing that bothered her, rather, something about him seemed so familiar.

It didn't hit her, until he mentioned Scanlan. Only one person in the entire world talked about Scanlan like that.

As soon as she came to the realization, it took all of her willpower not to cry …… or punch him in the face.

Her feelings were rather conflicted on the matter, not knowing exactly whether she should be happy that he was there, or whether she should be angry that he had the audacity to appear in such a ruse. To come to them in a lie and deceit. It was such a hard thing to consider.

She held her tongue through the whole exchange, not wanting to betray her fragile feelings. So all she could do was watch in silence as he spoke and interacted with their friends, their family, as if they were common strangers. It broke her heart so to see it, to watch it unfold, to watch him treat them like that after everything he had said and done to them. After the pain, the heartbreak, the betrayal. To lie to them, to act like he didn't know them.

The urge to punch him was growing stronger and stronger every moment, so she dug her nails into her palm to keep herself grounded, in control.

When he started to leave, she felt her body rush with a feeling of panic.

_ She remembered a woman with sad, brown eyes, watching between the strands of her tangled brown hair as her only two children, as her only family was torn away from her kicking and screaming, powerless to do anything but watch them go. She remembered her father and the anger on his face the night she and her brother ran away, how she had stopped at the crest of the rise, looking down upon that horrid city, and feeling a wave of sadness and despair wash over as she so missed the noble elven man that had so long blessed her dreams before she had ever set foot within Syngorn. _

In a rush of panic and overflowing emotions, she raced out after him, and called his name. He turned at her address, he and the half-orc he was traveling with, and claimed he had no idea what she was on about.

But in that moment, she saw a flicker of fear in those illusory eyes, her memory of that horrible night coming to her, of the pain and anger and sadness that filled his large brown eyes. 

All urges of violence melted away from her and in quick, powerful strides, she made her way to him, falling to her knees to wrap her arms around the gnome hiding in the illusion.

He was silent for a moment, before the illusion disappeared and he was looking at her with those same, large brown eyes, filled with clear shock and fear.

She couldn't hold back the urge to cry any longer as the tears poured down her face.

  
  


It was hard to see the anger, the aggression, the distrust. To see her family turning against one another, against one of their own, one who had only been acting out of pain and fear, no differently than the rest of them. 

But while it was hard to watch, she understood it. She understood how hard it was to take when he had left after saying such things to them. She understood how hard it was to take when he'd been gone for so long. She understood how hard it was to take when they had all tried, in their own ways, to find him, with no luck.

She understood how hard it was to take when he came back to them, not by choice, but with a lie, kicking and screaming into the truth, into facing what he'd done.

But just because she understood where all of it was coming from, didn't make it any easier to watch.

A part of her was also still angry with him, but not because of what he said to her. She got it, she understood she shouldn't take something like that so personally when he was clearly just acting out of anger. She knew quite well how good people could do bad things when angry. 

No, her own anger for Scanlan was not for her own sake, but for the sake of Grog and Pike.

How the two of them had looked, had lamented, had drunk themselves into a grieving stupor over his absence. 

How many nights had she found the two of them in a pub, drunk off their asses and crying, crying over how it felt like a part of them was missing?

Scanlan had insisted that he had nobody, that she had Percy, that Vax had Keyleth, that Grog had Pike, that he had been alone. But a part of her had never been satisfied with that. Cause a part of her had always seen a trio, not a duo, had seen him with Grog and Pike as good friends, a great team, a great family. They'd been there for him, but perhaps he just couldn't see it past his sadness.

She pushed so hard for Scanlan to apologize to them, to talk to Pike and Grog, to make that first move to amend things between them. Because he needed them to tell him with their own words that he was one of them, but they'd never do that with these feelings of betrayal lingering over them. They'd never do that when Pike was so mad that she encouraged Grog to beat up on an innocent bystander to all of this, when Grog was so upset that he left said fight with no joy or elation in his voice or face.

So Vex'ahlia pushed for Scanlan to make the first move to amend things.

  
  


It was surprising how, for as good at words as he could be, Scanlan was horrible at apologizing it seemed. Vex hoped and believed so badly that it wasn't because he wasn't genuinely sorry, but rather, because he didn't deal in serious emotions often. She knew from her own experience that it could be hard to apologize genuinely to a person without betraying all of your own emotions, laying them out there for them to see. To apologize with meaning and passion called for you to open yourself up to the other person, and to open yourself took trust, and how could Scanlan entirely trust Pike when she so clearly wanted to bash his face into paste?

So Vex decided that, maybe, it wouldn't hurt if Pike made the next move. She'd been pleased to see the cookies, to see that hope wasn't lost, but also understood that Pike needed someone to talk to her.

She was clearly feeling a lot of emotions, and it wasn't like their cleric to be so angry and cold.

Vex could understand Pike's dilemma with her emotions and anger, could understand wanting to indulge in that anger and lash out. But she could also understand how tiring it could be, and how after a while you just wanted to let it all go and forget about it and move on, to forgive.

So she encouraged Pike to do this. To go to Scanlan, to talk, to find someway to forgive him, to welcome him back into their family and let everything go back to the way it was.

As Pike walked away and Percy dragged her into their bedroom for far easier matters, she hoped so badly that things would work out well in the end.

  
  


Between the return of Delilah, returning to Whitestone, running into the Shadowfell, fighting Vecna, and Vax's death, Vex really hadn't much time to talk to Scanlan. She really hadn't had much time to so much as think about him between everything that was going on; except for those moments where they were only saved by a quick spell of his and all she could think and say was how much they had missed him and how great it was to have him back in their lives.

But, after Vax was brought back to them and they left for Vasselheim to tend to the matter of alerting the religious forces, she found her mind wandering back to Scanlan.

She wondered what he'd been thinking when he had held the eye. What could that thing have been telling him that would bring him to tear his own eyeball out? His emotions and story really were a mystery to her and all of Vox Machina, so she couldn't even begin to guess at what it might have been. Though she felt as though they'd messed up a bit in that situation, yet another mark against them in Scanlan's mind. For it occurred to her, an entire night's sleep and some hours after the event, that nobody had really talked to or asked Scanlan about it. Of course they'd also been a bit preoccupied with Vecna and Vax's death, but what about after Vax had been resurrected and they'd still been together? Why had she nor anyone else asked him about it?

The realization made her feel sick to her stomach, and all she could do, without betraying her own personal disgust, was offer to accompany him and Grog to Kord's temple, feeling a strong need to be near Scanlan at that moment.

  
  


The look on Scanlan's face as Sarenrae addressed him warmed Vex'ahlia's heart to it's very core, making her feel such a happiness at the awe struck look he was pulling. But the surprise in his voice, the way he asked for clarification, as if he never believed that anyone, let alone a great goddess, would ever give any attention to the words of a gnome like him.

That surprise, it made a part of Vex's heart break, as she became more and more aware of where Scanlan was, of what his mind and emotional state were like.

And it broke her heart so, because the more she learned and heard and discovered, the more she realized just how similar the two of them were, and she couldn't help but wonder why she had never noticed before when it was so obvious to her now.

  
  


She looked up, all the way up, feeling her head spin at the great height she would have to go.

There was no way she could do this, no possible way she could get all the way up there in the necessary amount of time. It was impossible.

But then, she heard a familiar voice call out, and suddenly she was changing. She'd always imagined that polymorph would be painful to go through, that it would stretch and bend the skin and bones in ways they weren't meant to in order to achieve a new form. But that wasn't the case, as an intense but comfortable warmth filled her body. One moment she was just a normal half-elf girl, and the next, she was a great, four legged, winged, scaled, red dragon. And immediately, she knew what to do, how to move, how to use the flame that burned within her to burn her enemies. Knew how to use her wings, to get to that point, to achieve that goal that only moments before had seemed so impossible.

In the back of her mind, she thought about how she was going to have to find some way to properly thank Scanlan for this, and knew it would be hard to find something of equal value.

  
  


As Ioun disappeared from before them, everyone jumped to action, looking around and spouting out ideas. But Vex wasn't really paying the others much mind, instead she turned her attention to Scanlan. He looked so surprised, so dazed, as if everything that had just happened had stunned him into silence.

Vex thought of how he had tried to convince the goddess that he wasn't the one for her, tried to downplay his own abilities into something lesser and more useless than they were.

It made that broken part of her heart ache with sorrow.

So she offered him her broom, her means of speed and flight, to help him, as he had helped her in that moment of need. She was grateful when he accepted, and oh so excited as as they moved along, laughing and crying and delighting in his songs and all of his wonder.

Oh how she truly missed this silly little gnome.

Their silly little gnome.

Even when he said the book he held was the one, she didn't wish to risk their chances, grabbing every book in sight in the off chance that it was a trick, and then she pushed the broom as fast as it had ever gone, to make it back in time.

She wouldn't waste this opportunity. It wasn't just a chance to gain more aid, but a chance for Scanlan to finally prove himself, to finally let the others and himself see what he was really and truly worth.

When Ioun revealed them to be victorious, when she granted to him her gifts and knowledge, Vex struggled to keep the smile from splitting her face apart.


End file.
